


never let go

by shymoon



Category: Carmilla (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, College AU, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Light Angst, but like Silas is in Toronto, i also tried to make it angsty but idk..., so i guess
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 11:18:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,762
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13879755
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/shymoon/pseuds/shymoon
Summary: Carmilla has been in love with Laura since they were teenagers, but every time she has tried to confess her feelings, something came up. Now that they're in uni, will she be able to confess to Laura?orTiming's not great with Hollstein and Carmilla is a coward.





	never let go

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I originally wrote this for a school assignment, but I decided to post it on here. This is my first Hollstein fic and my first fic on here so hopefully you like it. :)

            I am such a stubborn mess.

            That’s the thought that keeps on repeating in my head as I reread your letter. _Please talk to me, Carmilla. I miss you so much. I love you.  
__Sincerely, Laura._

            How did we end up here? Six years ago, we were just sophomores in high school being careless and dumb. Do you remember, Laura? Do you remember how we first met?

            You were the new girl. The new girl with long honey blonde locks and matching warm eyes, combined with what seemed like a permanent grin plastered on your face. (I had to learn the hard way that that smile was indeed not permanent.)

            I had no intention in befriending you and your bubbly personality, your loud voice and adorable laugh that could probably cure cancer. I didn’t want any of that in my life. Yet, you somehow built yourself a nest in my heart and managed to stay there all these years and hopefully for many more to come. It could’ve been your determination in making me like you that brought us closer (although I never truly disliked you, even after all those times I playfully said so) or maybe it was that fact that I had been assigned to show you around school.

            Whatever it was, I was glad you had stuck around. Even Perry was glad to see I had a friend aside from her and LaFontaine. She was _so_ glad that she was sure we were going to start dating. You can only imagine how disappointed her careful plan to set us up didn’t work out the way she wanted it to. You know how that redhead is with organization.

            Who could blame her for thinking something beyond friendship was simmering? Even I was fooled. I was fooled by all those moments I believed meant more than what meets the eye. All those times our hands accidentally brushed against each other, all those times you insisted that we hang out alone, all those times we bantered and all those times I noticed you blush after I complimented you lead me to gather up my courage and ask you out

            Of course, the moment young Carmilla was about to spill the beans, her moment was ruined. I always had bad timing and maybe we would’ve been together if I had stopped rambling like a damn idiot and just admitted my feelings for you. Maybe we would’ve been together if it weren’t for that Danny Lawrence. That damn Danny that everyone admired.

            She was tall (freakishly tall if you ask me), was athletic, had perfect ginger curls, had captivating blue eyes, had straight A’s (but she was never as straight as her grades were) and was simply nice to everyone… except me. I have to admit that I was an ass to her as well.

            The whole school loved her, so it was no surprise you had shown interest in her multiple times. All that was required was a simple invitation to one of those parties the school’s jocks held and you were under her charm.

            “Come on, Carmilla,” you whined as you held my arm. “You might even find yourself a hot jock like Danny at the party.”

             didn’t want a jock. I wanted you… I really was a sappy mess when you were around, but it was true. Not wanting to ruin your fun and prevent you from going through the “high school experience”, I insisted you go to said party. I wasn’t one to enjoy several sweaty bodies pressed up against me in a stranger’s house, all reeking of alcohol anyway.

            First, it was one party, then it became two and by the end of the year, you were out every weekend with Danny and her friends. Meanwhile, our regular study “dates” (that consisted of you trying to study while I ranted about life) and our movie nights became non-existent. You hung out with them so much that you didn’t even know I had been accepted to my first choice for university in graphic design.

            After you were gone, I realized how much happiness in my life emitted from you. Sure, I had LaF and Perry, but I could only tolerate so much of LaF's science talk and Perry’s constant bossing around like she was my mother. In Perry’s defense, I guess she was just trying to fix our relationship and making sure I was alright. She was always one to help others. I knew she still talked to you, whereas the two of us stopped interacting altogether. Our story stopped there… at least for the moment.

            I sometimes wonder if it was fate for you to have been assigned the same dorm as me. I didn’t ask for updates about you so from the last time I had heard, you were still indecisive regarding university, hence my surprise when I saw you standing at the door. You, on the other hand, did not reciprocate my shock or you hid it well.

            “Hey,” you breathed out as you put your hands in the pockets of your olive jacket after you shut the door of _our_ small dorm room behind you.

            While I sat on my uncomfortable bed, there wasn’t much distance between us, allowing me to notice that you hadn’t changed much in the few months we were separated. “Hi,” I replied and attempted at giving you a small smile. This was a lot to take in.

            Everything around us seemed to blur and the bed sheet against my palms didn’t feel as rough and itchy as I first thought they were. In the three months since I had last seen you at our high school graduation, only your enhanced blonde highlights (most likely due to sunlight since I knew you weren’t one to pamper yourself) were different. You still looked ethereal. Your angelic smile brought so much warmth, I didn’t feel like the heater was broken and that I needed another sweater anymore.

            Despite how much I wanted to be in this state of awe for longer, I reminded myself that this was inappropriate. We weren’t really friends anymore at this point and you were taken by someone else. At least I thought so until you told me otherwise.

            We had spent maybe a month and a half, the air thick and heavy around us. There was clearly a strain in our relationship that I wished would just disappear. One day, you finally asked me if I wanted to watch a movie with you on your laptop to 1) take a break from studying and 2) “do it for old traditions’ sake”.

            So, we sat on your bed as _The Notebook_ played on the screen. (If anyone had walked in at that time, they probably would’ve asked why we were sitting so far away from one another.) Some time during the film, you told me that Danny just wasn’t right for you.

            “I didn’t like her very much,” I admitted and grimaced.

            “Is there anyone you _do_ like?” You scoffed playfully.

            “You.” I found myself saying, although I didn’t know where it came from. As I was about to insist I was only joking, you smiled gently at me. I missed that. It was always so genuine and reassuring. It truly felt like a wave of comfort and safety wash over me whenever I had the chance to be on the receiving end of that smile. It was like it could shield me from any kind danger, like everything would be okay after all.

            That one confession was the tool that fixed our mess. Things started to fall back into place as time passed. The awkwardness was diminished to zero while the butterflies in my stomach multiplied by thousands.

            Having you by my side felt amazing. Not one single day felt the same. It was like the plain beige walls of our dorm changed colours every single day. Having you by my side confirmed the dullness of my life without you. It also confirmed that I still wasn’t over you.

            This dependence I had on you terrified me. The fact that the slightest discomfort you felt could upset me and that it could be flipped upside down in a matter of seconds if I knew you were fine made me question my sanity. The fire that was ignited in me every time you touched me didn’t help, and nor did my irregular heartbeat whenever you were around.

            “Dude, just ask her out,” LaFontaine told me. I frowned and was met with an facepalm. “Please, you know who I’m talking about. Stop with the longing gaze, the lingering touches and the shy smiles. The tension between the two of you is unbearable. A blind person could probably tell you’re in love, while you two are the only ones who can’t see it.”

            “I’m not _in love_ with her, LaF,” I countered.

            “Whatever you say, Carmilla,” Perry said this time in a sing-song voice.

            With a little bit more convincing done on LaFontaine and Perry’s part, I told myself that I should at least try and ask you out. If I didn’t, I was doomed to be reduced to mush whenever I heard that adorable giggle of yours or whenever you looked particularly endearing with a messy bun resting on top of your head while you stayed in your pyjamas to write an essay. I would be doomed wondering “what if” my entire life. At least if this really was all in my head, the rejection would serve as closure, right?

            I looked at myself in the mirror of the bathroom in our dorm and talked mostly to myself while Perry and LaFontaine sat on the borders on my bathtub behind me. “I will just tell her how I feel and not ramble like the mess I was in senior year and if it doesn’t work out, I will move on. This is just a crush that I can get over if she rejects me. It’s not like I’m _in love_ with her. I mean, do I feel super duper happy when she’s around? Yeah. I feel these tingles whenever I see her, I want to be the one she wakes up to and I want to be able to smother for the rest of my life, but I’m not… oh fuck,” I said as I looked at the reflection of my friends in the mirror. “I’m in love with her.” My eyes widened in realization.

            “Took you long enough to realize that, broody vampire,” said LaF.

            “I don’t think it’s a good time to make fun of her clothing choices right now,” Perry hissed. “She’s kind of realizing something important.”

            As I tried to take this all in, I heard my phone buzz. You were already at the park we were meeting at. “I’ve got to go,” I told my friends before leaving our dorm room.

            It was a sunny day. There was a light breeze gracing us and the weather, in general, was great. Everything was perfect for the occasion. The walk to the park was short and I had no difficulty in finding you sitting near the ice cream truck.

            You were sitting at the picnic table as you usually did whenever we decided to eat lunch outside. Your dark blonde hair cascaded down your back as you frowned ever so slightly as you kept yourself busy on your phone. You always did that whenever you were focused on something and it was probably one of the most endearing sights I had ever gotten to see.

            “I don’t think growling at your phone will help you win,” I chuckled as I sat opposite to you.

            “Stupid game. I bet it’s rigged,” you muttered and pouted afterwards.

            “Yet, you play that game of yours every single day,” I countered.

            “Carmilla Karnstein, you are very close to not getting that free ice cream I promised you.” You narrowed your eyes and smirked as I lifted my hands up. You handed me said ice cream cone after you purchased us both treats and sat back down. I didn’t want to ambush you with my little confession so I waited it out to at least after we were done with ice cream. “So, what did you want to talk about, Carmilla?” you asked me immediately the moment we were done as if you had been reading my mind.

            You caught me off guard and I choked on my own saliva. “What do you mean?” I asked as I recovered from earlier. “How do you know I wanted to tell you something?”

            “You do this thing where your eyes always wander from side to side and you play with the ring threaded through your necklace when you want to tell me something, but you’re afraid it might go wrong or you’re too nervous to tell me,” you explained. I nodded slowly and looked down, a little embarrassed that I was that easy to read. You took my hands in your hands to stop my fiddling fingers. “Carmilla, what is it?” You asked in the softest tone anyone could ever use.

            I looked up and saw the face of someone who cared about me and loved me infinitely. I saw the face of someone who wouldn’t be even be able to hurt a fly. Just like that, my heartbeat was back to a normal pace (well as normal as it would be with you around) and the lump in my throat was gone. I took a deep breath before speaking.

            “Laura, we’ve known each other for about six years now.” I started and you nodded. “You were my best friend in high school and even though we had a falling out, you’re back in my life and I am so grateful for that,” I said, making you giggle. “Seriously, you are this bubble of happiness and I don’t want to lose that ever again. You mean so much to me. I know what I am about to tell you will impact our friendship greatly and it could potentially ruin it, but you can probably tell that it’s been eating me alive. I just need to tell you this before it’s too late. Laura, I think… I think that I’m in l-”

            A voice interrupted me just as I was about to finally tell you my biggest secret.

            The voice belonged to no other than the giant that irritated me the most.

            “Oh, Danny! hi,” you greeted the athlete with a bright smile and let go of my hands.

            I clenched my jaw and stopped myself from telling her to shut up and leave us alone, at least for a moment. I watched the two of you catch up on about your separate college lives and what you have each been up to. She mentioned how long it had been since she’d last seen you and that you two should hang out and you agreed.

            This felt all too familiar.

            I saw our younger selves sitting in the cafeteria and Danny walking up to you to invite you to a party because you were “too cute to leave alone”. I saw myself losing you bit by bit until you were completely gone.

You scooted over to make space for Danny and continued your conversation, both of you ignoring me completely. “I know we broke up because I was too focused on my career, but if you’re ready, I want to get a second chance. I’ve changed-”

            Before I could hear the rest of her sentence, I stood up. “Sorry to interrupt, but I need to leave.” I told the pair.

            “What? Why?” You asked and something unreadable showed on your face before it quickly disappeared.

            “I have somewhere to go,” I lied and started to walk away at a quick pace.

            I heard your voice calling my name and asking me to “wait up”, but I couldn’t take it anymore. It felt as if I stayed any longer, my heart would explode. Each step I took, there was this tightness in my chest preventing me from breathing properly.

            My speed walking turned into a jog and finally into a run. As if my feet had a brain of their own, they lead me back to the dorm. It was only then I realized: that our room wasn’t an option for me. You lived there as well and you were the person I needed to be away from at that time.

            My solution: Perry’s room. My whirlwind of emotions probably showed as I stormed in her dorm room since worry washed over Perry’s face the moment she saw me. Perry just wrapped her arms around me and stroked my hair as I finally let my barriers down.

            I stayed over at her place for a few days without saying a word. She was the floor don so she had a room all to herself, meaning there was an extra bed for me.

            Perry knew that I didn’t like talking about my feelings. It always made me feel vulnerable to be put in such a position. She gave me the space I needed until the third day. I finally walked stepped out of the bedroom in the outfit I had originally worn on the first day instead of the t-shirt and pair of sweatpants she had leant me.

             “Wanna talk about it?” She offered and gave me a sad smile.

            “Danny,” I simply stated.

            “She’s back with Danny?!” The redhead almost yelled.

            “Not yet, but they most likely will after they ‘chat over a drink’ or whatever Danny said,” I mumbled as I took the hot cocoa Perry had handed me.

            “What happened exactly?”

            I told her everything and watched her face go from endearment to concern. “What are you going to do now? I mean you’re going to have to face her some day, Carm.” She chuckled.

            “I don’t know…” I confessed and sighed.

            As if on cue, my phone buzzed on the nightstand. I put down my mug and picked my phone up. I had received an email. My heart skipped a beat once I read who the email was from. It was a design school I had applied to a while ago in New York in hopes of being part of their program where students got to study at their prestigious school while working an internship at an important firm as well. This was… amazing!

            “Carmilla, what is it? You’re scaring me.” Perry’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts.

            “Remember The New York Design Program?” I asked, still staring at the screen in disbelief.

            "Holy shit! You got in?”

            I looked up and grinned. “Hell yeah!”

            We both jumped up and down before we heard someone knock against the wall to tell us to “shut the hell up”.

            We laughed and calmed down as we let that thought really sink in. “You’re going to leave for New York, huh?” Perry was the first to talk.

            “I guess so, yeah.” I shrugged. “You know that even though Silas was my first choice for university, New York is my dream. I don’t even like Silas that much.”

            My friend nodded and engulfed me in a tight hug. “I’m so proud of you, you little vampire.”

            “I thought calling me vampire was rude,” I chuckled.

            “Let me have my moment,” She grinned as she pulled away. “When do you have to leave?”

            “It starts in about a month and a half and I want to settle in before it starts so I guess… I would have to leave in two weeks.”

            “Right after finals then?” I nodded and bit my lip because I knew where this was going. “When are you going to tell Laura?” She asked quietly. I stayed silent for a while and watched Perry tilt her head. “Carmilla, you have to tell her. She deserves to know. She’s still your best friend… well after me of course.” She winked, making me laugh.

            I balked. “I don’t know how to face her. I feel like I’ll just lose it if I see her.”

            “See it as closure. You said it yourself. I mean you didn’t realize you were in love with her at the time, but you said that if she rejected you, it was going to serve as closure.  I know it’s easier said than done. So take this opportunity to make the first step towards moving on.”

            It took me another day before I agreed to go back to my own dorm room. (“you need to wear something other than my clothes and that old outfit of yours,” said Perry.)

            I knew you had an English Literature study period with students from your class on Friday mornings so I hurriedly went back to our dorm at that time. I had three hours before you would come back so it should be enough for me to pack my things.

            Of course, rarely anything ever worked in my favor. I opened the door and came face to face with your naked back facing me. “Oh my God!” You yelled as you noticed someone had entered the dorm room.

            You quickly went into the bathroom and I was too shocked to do anything except stand there, mouth hanging. “What are you doing here?” you screamed from the bathroom.

            “What are _you_ doing here? Don’t you have study periods on Fridays?”

            “Today is Saturday!”

            “Oh…”

            The bathroom door flew open, revealing your very pissed self (with a shirt on this time). “Where have you been, Carmilla Karnstein?”

            “Geez, you sound like my mother.” I rolled my eyes. “I was at Perry’s. Maybe if you really cared about me as much as you say you do, you would’ve found me.”

            I didn’t know where this harshness came from.

            “Carmilla, what in the bloody hell are you talking about? What is wrong with you?”

            “What’s wrong with _me_?” I scoffed. “Oh nothing, I am perfectly fine. Just a little pissed, but my life’s great!”

            “Seriously? The sarcasm card?” You rolled your eyes and looked down at your watch. “Look, I need to go, but you better explain your ass when I get back.”

            “Where are you going?” I asked, curiosity taking the best of me.

            “Oh so you get to ask about my whereabouts, but I don’t?” You shook your head and sighed. “I’m going to meet Danny for coffee.”

            “Of course you are.”

            “What’s that supposed to mean?” you narrowed your eyes and titled your head.

            “It’s always Danny this, Danny that. Go ask your precious Danny what’s wrong with me; she’ll probably have the answer. You always thought she was _so smart_ anyways when we were in high school.”

            “You are unbelievable, Carmilla.” That was the last thing you told me before slamming the door as you left the room.

            I took a deep breath to calm down, only to find myself still agitated an hour and half later. It took me a few minutes to register that this was my last chance to pack up my things and leave without ever having to confront you.

            That was what I wanted… right?

            Then, Perry’s words rang in my head. I needed closure. Deep down, I knew this didn’t count as closure, but my stubbornness and frustration controlled my whole body. It was only two weeks later as I stood in the airport staring at all the missed calls and texts I received from you did I wonder if I was making the right choice.

            Even then, the irrational part of my brain was telling me that New York meant more and to just screw everything else.

            Well, I did screw everything else. I had possibly ruined the tightest relationship I had ever had in a matter of seconds. I boarded the plane nonetheless, feeling my heart getting heavier each step I took.

            I’m doing the right thing. I’m doing the right thing. I’m doing the right thing.

            I repeated those words to myself the whole time of the flight, the whole time I was moving in my new dorm room, the whole time I thought about you as my mind wandered in class.

            One day, my new roommate, some blonde girl called Elsie (if this wasn’t the universe punishing me for leaving you, I don’t know what was), told me I had mail. “It’s from Silas University, from Laura Hollis?”

            That caught my attention immediately. It had been two months since I had left. It was my second week being in The New York Design Program and up to now, I had only received text messages from Perry, LaFontaine and my mother who was mostly just asking me if I was eating well and if I had done my laundry.

            I figured that I truly had fucked up this time and there was no going back. I mean I said pretty harsh things during our fight. Who would be crazy enough to talk to me after something like that?

            Apparently, you.

            Holding your letter, I thought it might’ve just been a letter to tell me how much you hated me, but then I remembered that you were way too sweet to ever hate anyone. You found a way to forgive anyone who did you wrong and I admire that about you greatly, but I sometimes wished you wouldn’t. I sometimes wished your letter contained a hate message instead of what it was actually about because I can’t find a way to cope with what I am holding in my hands right now.

 

_Dear Carmilla,_

_I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to mail this to you, but I just wanted to tell you that I hate you for leaving me without any warning. However, I would then have to admit that I lied because I don’t hate you. I love you._

_You truly are the most fucked up person I have ever met. Who leaves the country without telling their best friend? When I came back from the coffee shop and saw all your things gone, I thought you had maybe moved in with Perry. So, I gave you some time to sort things out, thinking that finals were taking the best of you and that we would be able to discuss about our problems after this. Boy, was I wrong._

_Do you even know how hurt I felt when I learned from Perry that you had moved to New York? Honestly, it broke me. You hurt me in a way I never imagined possible and even though a part of me wants you to suffer like I did and to feel the guilt, the other part of me wants nothing but the best for you._

_You are not only the biggest asshole I know, but also the biggest idiot. Perry told me that you assumed I was getting back together with Danny. If you had asked me why I was meeting up with her or if you had answered any of my calls or texts, you would’ve learned that I had told her that I wasn’t interested in anything beyond a friendship._

_You know why? Because I love you. I am in love you, Carmilla Karnstein and I have possibly been in love with you since we were in high school. I never told you and I regret it every day._

_Every time our hands accidentally touched, every time you told me I looked nice, every time we cuddled while watching movies, every time you poured your soul out about how annoying a particular teacher was that day while I tried to study, I felt my heart flutter. It shouldn’t, but it did because I was in love with every piece of you._

_Losing you was and is my biggest regret._

_My selfish self just wants you to come back to me, but I know you’re living your dream in New York. At least I hope you are. Congratulations, by the way. I am so proud of you._

_Please just talk to me, Carmilla. I miss you so much. I love you._

_Sincerely,_

_Laura._

            I feel a tear escape as I look down once more at the piece of paper in my hands. I look back up to stare at the gorgeous New York skyline. I should be happy. This was my dream. Or were you the dream?

            I don’t know anymore.

            All I know is that I should have never let go of you. I should have never let go of my hope that we could be together some day.

            Maybe someday we will.


End file.
